talking to God.

i woke up this morning realizing i didn't post anything yesterday. i thought about what i was going to write all day in between laundry, reading (required reading, not fun reading :), cleaning, chatting with my family via skype, watching wallace and gromit, and falling into bed.

right now though, i've decided it's ok that i forgot to type some insightful (or not so insightful) tidbit from my brain onto my computer screen for others to read. if all i'm doing is writing something just so that i can cross it off my mental to-do list, i'm totally missing the point. my goal isn't to write just so i can say i did it. "check, that's done for the day." no, my goal is to share what's truly inside, the what-i-learned parts, the happy parts, the confused parts, and the messy parts i'd rather hide. my goal is to utilize this wonderful, open, and somewhat intimidating-at-times-thing called a blog to keep talking no matter what. to keep realizing i'm not the only person who has ever felt this certain way or had to learn this same lesson over again. to keep on letting God use the seemingly insignificant things i write to somehow encourage others. to not shy away from the vulnerability of sharing my heart, my thoughts, my questions, my struggles, my hurts, and my joys.

you know why i decided it was totally ok that i forgot to post yesterday? those who know me really well know that i am usually very hard on myself, giving myself little, if any grace. i have a hard time doing that. it's something i'm having to learn. my pride gets in the way and i want to do everything exactly right the first time. i don't like to admit i forgot something, don't understand, or totally messed up. i know, forgetting to post is not a big deal or a sin, but at first i felt like i had let myself down. that i didn't keep up with my commitment to post something every day this month. before i got too far into my self-berating, God reminded me that i had shared yesterday, just not on my blog. i had done something much more important. i had talked to Him. God is my ultimate accountability partner, although He is way much more that that.

even though i know God knows everything thing about me, including what i haven't even done yet, i'm still a little hesitant to share my whole heart with Him. which is silly, because He already knows. i can't hide anything from Him. for some reason, i mistakenly think that if i don't actually tell Him i can still hide behind my turtle shell and hold it tight around me. that's not reality. when in reality i'm terrified of being exposed, of being vulnerable and letting Him have total access to the deepest part of me. it involves giving up all the control i think i have and the lie that somehow i can do some bits without Him.

i still want to continue to try to share something every day on my blog. I still need accountability and i think more is better than less in this instance. Except from now on, I'm going to chat with my Father first and share all that is in my heart. He's said He will help me let go and be vulnerable, laid out before Him. I'm taking Him up on His offer. Cause I cannot do it alone.

(I just realized I switched and wrote the whole last paragraph with correct capitalization without thinking. School really must be in full swing. :)