overwhelmed by Christ's love.

i'm almost not sure how to describe how i feel right at the moment. except that i am totally and completely overwhelmed by Christ's love for me. a feeling i don't want to go away.

currently i'm reading the shack by william paul young (i say "currently" because i usually have 3 or 4 or 5 books going at the same time). i don't really have time to read for pleasure with all i have to do for school, but i've started taking it with me when i go to the gym. the gym has become my escape, my book time. (it's one way to get yourself excited to go to the gym everyday :) many conversations in the story have been hitting spot on, right where i'm really struggling, doubting, honestly questioning, and trying desperately to understand God's working. so close it gives me goosebumps. i enter the story and it feels like i'm the one talking with Papa, Jesus, and Sarayu (the names of the father, son, and holy spirit in the story). here's one of the many sections that gave me goosebumps and things to meditate on today:

"the darkness hides the true size of fears and lies and regrets," Jesus explained. "the truth is they are more shadow than reality, so they seem bigger in the dark. when the light shines into the places where they live inside you, you start to see them for what they are."

"but why do we keep all that crap inside?" mack asked.

"because we believe it's safer there. and, sometimes, when you're a kid trying to survive, it really is safer there. then you grow up on the outside, but on the inside you're still that kid in the dark cave surrounded by monsters, and out of habit you keep adding to your collection. we all collect things we value, you know?"

... "so, how does that change, you know, for somebody who's lost in the dark like me?"

"most often, pretty slowly," Jesus answered. "remember, you can't do it alone. some folks try with all kinds of coping mechanisms and mental games. but the monsters are still there, just waiting for the chance to come out."

"so what do i do now?"

"what you're already doing, mack-learning to live loved. it's not an easy concept for humans. you have a hard time sharing anything... so, yes, what we desire is for you to 're-turn' to us, and then we come and make our home inside you, and then we share. the friendship is real, not merely imagined. we're meant to experience this life, your life, together, in a dialogue, sharing the journey..."

learning to live loved-that's what i want to do.

there's another reason why i'm so overwhelmed by christ's love for me. tonight at "pause" i met a girl who is volunteering with the same program on campus as i am. we struck up a conversation and talked until the beginning of the worship time. we have a lot in common and actually live in the same dorm, on the same floor, on the same hall. the last song we sang was about how much God loves us. i couldn't keep the tears from streaming down my face. the girl i just met barely two hours before hugged me like we'd know each other for ages. i believe God placed my first true friend here right in my lap. i don't have enough words to thank my Father for what He gave me in that hug and conversation tonight.